


How Do You Take Your Coffee?  A GingerPilot And Reylo Crackfic

by LoveThemFiercely



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: A Trip To The ER, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Baristas, Because We're Ignoring Science Among Other Things, Christmas Fluff, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Don't Try This At Home, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, It's okay though, Lawyers, M/M, Poor Decision-Making Skills, Profanity, This Is What Happens When Two Reylos Spend A Couple Hours At Starbucks, This was based on a prompt, Uber, We Almost Went Off The Road Laughing On The Way Back, crackfic, seriously don't try this at home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 18:32:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16792414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveThemFiercely/pseuds/LoveThemFiercely
Summary: Okay.  I’m going to apologize in advance.  This is crack.  This is what happens when @flypaper-brain and I spend a couple of hours together in a Starbucks.  This is what happens when I ask for a prompt.  This is totally silly and ignores pretty much everything about everything, including potentially the effects of caffeine on the human body.  However:  it also made us laugh so hard we nearly went off the road on the way to my house. We might have been a little over-caffeinated. So:  Here is coffee crack that exactly two people asked for; the prompt was “write GingerPilot with mixed-up coffee orders”.  The answer to the title, as it happens, is both “I take yours.” and “Not well.  Not well at all.” @sunbug1138 and @leoba, thanks for playing along.





	How Do You Take Your Coffee?  A GingerPilot And Reylo Crackfic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flypaper_brain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flypaper_brain/gifts).



The line at this Starbucks had been practically out the door all day. A line was pretty normal; there were about seven law firms within easy walking distance of this particular Starbucks, and lawyers do love their rocket fuel. But today’s had been particularly bad. **  
**

First in line, finally, was Armitage Hux. He was in corporate law (because of course he was), usually on the side of the corporation. He’d been trying all week to climb his way out of the hole in his reputation created by last week’s spectacular loss, and he had been in no mood to wait. He started talking before the person in front of him had even taken their card out of the machine.

“It’s half-caf, half-soy, half-coconut milk with 4 pumps of sugar-free hazelnut; what do you MEAN you don’t have sugar-free hazelnut any more? You had it LAST week; do you not understand what customers WANT? Fine. Sugar-free vanilla. And 6 pumps of chestnut praline. And 3 of regular hazelnut, I suppose. Yes, you heard me right. I want it to taste like NUTS.” There was a snicker from the shorter, sleepy-eyed man behind him. Hux glared at him without really looking and went back to his rapid-fire order. “I’ll need a half-inch of foam, exactly; but I want 2% foam; skim milk in the drink itself. And cinnamon dolce sprinkles on half, mocha sprinkles on the other half. It’s a grande, but I want it in a venti cup.” 

The barista scribbled frantically; this order was so complicated he actually had to write it down while Hux stood impatiently tapping his fingers on the counter and frowning. Meanwhile, Poe Dameron, the guy unlucky enough to have ended up next in line, was rolling his eyes conspicuously where the barista could see him (and more importantly, Hux couldn’t). The barista looked up from the receipt he was using to write this down and did his level best to suppress a smile. Poe dropped him a wink. If Hux wondered why the barista was blushing, he didn’t ask. He didn’t seem like the type to wonder. The barista closed the sale with the usual polite patter and banter; he didn’t get anything more from Hux than a skeptical grunt.

Poe was next. He had an entirely different approach. “Hey man, Dopheld, huh? That’s a cool name, unusual. I’m Poe. Yep, just chop the word poetry in half and use the front. How’s your day going, man? Listen, so this is gonna sound really old-fashioned, but let me try you anyway, okay?” He ran a hand through his hair, bellied up to the counter and leaned his arms on it for some seriously intense eye contact. Dopheld was spellbound. So was Hux.

“I just want COFFEE. Hey, no,” he waved a hand as Dopheld started to open his mouth, “I know, it’s not your fault, you just work here; but I don’t understand why I can’t just have coffee. Not Pike Place, or Christmas Blend, or Vienna Waltz, or whatever it is, I don’t need to know its name, I’m going to drink it, not date it. Just a large coffee.” Dopheld managed to stutter out something about the sizes at Starbucks. “What do you mean, there’s no large? Small, medium, large. What’s a Venti? If that’s a large, sure. I don’t need anything in it, I’ll put in the cream and sugar myself. Just coffee...please?” He turned up the wattage on his already dazzling smile; Dopheld nodded, looking like he’d’ve gone to some tropical mountainside to fetch the beans himself if he could. The woman working the drive-thru had to poke him in the ribs before he could move his eyes to the next person in line. 

That was Kylo Ren, the ferocious prosecutor they’d acquired at Hux’s corporate law firm, for when the business-on-business trespasses got criminal. He was as legendary for his feral grin as he was for his deadly accuracy. Most of the time. He’d been involved in last week’s disaster, too; he wasn’t any happier about it than Hux was. Fortunately for Dopheld, he’d been on his phone attempting damage control and hadn’t noticed the lag in service, or anything else.

He did notice, though, that his barista paused and blinked in surprise when he ordered eight shots of espresso in a treinta cup and the rest of it filled to the top with whipped cream. Dopheld quailed under his aggressive stare.

“Yes, that’s right. Rest assured that I mean exactly what I say. I want it to look like you put an oil slick in a cup and covered it in clouds.” He scowled in response to Dopheld’s barely audible disclaimer. “No, I don’t have a heart condition. Just make sure the crema is up to standard on every shot you draw.” He must have remembered that he wasn’t in the courtroom when he caught sight of Dopheld’s increasingly terrified expression; there was the slightest softening in his face. “And relax. I’m not going to eat you.” There was the grin. “I’m not really hungry at the moment.” As an attempt to appear less threatening, it was kind of a mixed bag; Dopheld was now looking at him with something halfway between fascination and apprehension.

Given the day he was now having, it wasn’t really surprising that poor Dopheld mixed up the labels on the first two drinks. He called out the names. Poe sauntered lazily up to the counter, while Hux marched up as though he’d never relaxed a day in his life; which was true, as it happened. He did, however, eye Poe as they converged. Both men reached the counter at the same time, grabbed their drinks, and took a sip. Poe did a spit take, spraying something beige on himself and a few square inches of floor. “What the hell…?” He had the grace to grab a handful of napkins and wipe up the coffee, at least. Turning back to the counter, he held up the cup. “Hey, sorry man, I think I got somebody else’s order. This. This is NOT coffee. Is there even coffee in this? This is like the worst milkshake I have ever tasted.”

Hux gave a shudder as he tried his own drink. His lip curled as his coppery eyebrows drew together. “This tastes like my grandmother’s coffee. Why would I come here and pay $15 for my grandmother’s coffee? She doesn’t even have a Keurig. She uses FOLGERS. Are these...are these crystals? Is this instant? That’s like making coffee from sand.” He regarded the cup in his hand with genuine horror, as he turned back to the counter as well. Meanwhile, Kylo was happily chugging his espresso and clouds, watching this like a tennis match. 

Hux and Poe approached the counter while they both complained, and reached it at the same time. They both started talking at once; Dopheld’s face was the picture of confusion. Both men gradually stopped talking as they heard each other. They seemed to simultaneously realize that they had each other’s orders. Poe set the cup he’d been holding on the counter, plucking the drink out of Hux’s hand. “Hey, thanks, man; don’t I know you? I think this one’s mine.” Hux stared at him, hand still curved as though he were holding the drink. Poe had himself a big slurp, and sighed in satisfaction. “Now THAT’S coffee.”

He moved to the bar to put cream and sugar in it (half and half and REAL sugar, the other man noticed, and not much of either), leaving Hux to contemplate the drink left on the counter. Dopheld was eyeing him with a face full of dread, wondering whether he was going to have to make that thing again. The cup on the counter was clearly unsanitary, but Hux didn’t think that wide-eyed young man would get it right the second time, so he surreptitiously wiped the lid with a napkin and took a sip. His eyes closed in bliss. Perhaps he’d underestimated the barista’s skills. He dropped a few bills in the tip jar and said “Thank you, that’s correct” which seemed to startle the young fellow; Hux had no idea why. It was important to reward competence in order to ensure that it would continue.

Poe noticed all this where he’d sat down across the coffee shop. It was a good look on that guy, bliss; wow, people really did have gold eyelashes. He thought he’d seen something that might have been a smile on Hux’s lips, right after he took a drink of that disgusting concoction. The smile looked like he wasn’t sure how to use it; he should try it more often. Poe sure hadn’t seen him smile before, as many times as they’d been opposite each other in the courtroom. He would definitely have remembered. The second sip, as he walked away from the counter, was enough to make him stop and close his eyes again. Yep. Absolutely a good look.

Hux opened his eyes to see Poe staring at him with unmistakable appreciation. He blushed, which Kylo (by this time well-caffeinated) found completely hilarious. “Are you *flirting* with that guy?” This was accompanied by a guffaw of disbelief.

“No! Maybe. Why? He’s...cute.” Hux didn’t believe he’d ever used that word about another human being before. Why had he used it now? Maybe that one sip of terrible, barren, low-rent coffee had destroyed a crucial brain cell or two. Who would bother to come here and drink that stuff? But...Hux was sort of glad that he had. Whoever had designed that jawline must have had a steady hand and an artist’s eye. And those smile lines had been written by a poet. Hux was disturbed by his own sudden need for metaphor.

Ren scoffed. “CUTE?! That’s Poe Dameron, Hux. He’s not cute. He’s a shark. He cost us 7 million dollars last WEEK. Look around; did you forget where you are? This whole Starbucks is FULL of sharks. I’m a shark, you’re a shark, he’s DEFINITELY a shark. It’s a whole tank full of land sharks, and NONE of them are CUTE.” He was flushed, and loud, eight shots of espresso later. And it was apparent that Poe had heard Every. Last. Word. Hux was now approaching a shade of purple not healthy for the human face. He changed tables before he felt too compelled to injure his coworker and retreated to the corner to do what he’d come here to do on his lunch break; caffeinate and look at briefs. Oh, now he was blushing at his own thoughts. Fantastic.

Hux was just laying his briefs out on the table (oh, hell); he had to put them away again in a hurry when Poe sidled on over and sat down across from him. “For the record, you guys cost YOURSELVES that money when you didn’t bone up on the latest changes in corporate tax law. And I think you’re cute too. Even if you drink terrible milkshakes.” That was a wink. Hux gaped at him for a few seconds, then his mouth snapped shut and he drew himself back up into a semblance of his normal snark.

Up went a perfectly arranged eyebrow. “Well. For someone who drinks coffee like my grandmother, you don’t look too bad yourself. Maybe I could help you order next time.” He leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. This was definitely a smile, like a cat contemplating a dish of cream. You would never have known he was as nervous as a teacup poodle in a room full of angry mountain lions.

Poe, by this time, was practically batting his eyelashes (a HIGHLY effective move for him, as it happened). “I’d like that.” He checked his watch with a disappointed air, then brightened. “How’d you like to walk back to our offices together? Mine’s the next building over from yours.” Hux’s response was to start packing up his things.

Kylo had just noticed the two of them flirting (AGAIN) and his head was whipping back and forth as though he were a spectator at a Ping-Pong table, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Fraternizing with the enemy was not to be tolerated. They’d have to talk about that soon. Very soon.

Meanwhile, at the drive-thru, a second barista was saying “No, I wait all year for gingerbread to come back too. You’re not alone.” Kylo looked up to see who was so excessively cheerful; suddenly he was stunned, like somebody had hit him with a brick. Lunch hour was about over; Poe and Hux were on the point of leaving. Hux reminded Kylo that it was time to get back to work.

Ren responded without looking; or, apparently, coherent thought. “Huh? What? Did you say something? So...beautiful. Beanie.” Hux cocked an eyebrow at him; he was genuinely a little concerned, but not concerned enough to pass up walking back to work with Poe. Kylo waved a hand in his direction. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be back later, I’m not done with my coffee yet,” this was clearly a lie, it was obvious all eight of those espresso shots were sizzling through his system, “I’ll be there for the meeting.” (This, though he didn’t know it yet, was also a lie.)

After a few minutes of (really terrible) thought, Kylo walked out to the parking lot and attempted to go through the drive-thru on foot. He was a lawyer working in the city; why would he have a car other than the horribly expensive one that lived under a dust-cover at his weekend house? This, he soon discovered, was illegal. Who knew? Evidently everyone.

Having had an even worse idea, he strode out to the parking lot and called an Uber (the SUV, of course; wouldn’t want to be below eye level). The Uber driver, a man who identified himself by the improbable name of Snap Wexley, was perplexed to discover that he’d be picking up his fare in the Starbucks parking lot to...take him through the drive-thru in the SAME Starbucks. “So...you want me to pick you up here, at this Starbucks, and take you through the drive-thru? The one right over there?” His tone suggested he was speaking to a preschooler.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I want. Was I not clear?” Ren’s tone, on the other hand, was frosty.

The nonverbal equivalent of “oooooooookaaaaaaaayyyy” was travelling across Wexley’s face. “No, you were clear, I’m just starting to wonder if you’re, uh, well.”

The tone had dropped several degrees and was now approaching arctic. “I am paying you to drive, not to wonder; or to assess my mental health, for that matter.”

Snap considered several approaches and settled on jovial. “You’re the boss.” And, as his passenger got into the SUV, confused. “Wait, are you sitting in front?”

“Yes. I’m the boss, remember?”

Snap drove Kylo through the drive-thru, where he ordered the same drink again (because it was what he ALWAYS ordered, and he was entirely too flustered to think of something else); he watched in a combination of amusement and horror while Kylo attempted to make eyes at the barista. Unfortunately, he just sort of ended up looking red and sweaty; this was accompanied by the supremely awkward icebreaker of “Hi, I’m Kylo Ren, what’s your name? Do you like coffee?” Snap assumed Kylo had failed to notice both the nametag and the fact that she was MAKING coffee. In a coffee shop. Was he asking her on a coffee date?

She turned pink. “Um...I do; I also like tea, and Christmas, and puppies...and, um, that tie you’re wearing.” That sentence had not made any sense at all, she thought. There was a series of honks from behind them. She hadn’t even told him her name! Rey handed Mr. Ren the cup and tried not to look as disappointed as she felt as they left. 

Out of habit, Kylo chugged the second drink too. “You can drop me here.” They were still in the parking lot.

Snap had gone beyond baffled to flummoxed, highly entertained, and a little worried. “You want me...to let you out in the same parking lot where I picked you up just now? So, you don’t actually want to go somewhere? Like, for help?”

His fare was fidgeting in the passenger seat. “Just let me out here.”

Snap shrugged. “That’ll be $28.”

Mr. Ren blinked. At least Snap thought it was blinking; given that he’d just downed eight shots of espresso, it might be a tic. “Did you say twenty-eight dollars? You drove fifteen feet.”

Snap shot for apologetic. “Hey, listen, sorry, man, that’s the minimum; I don’t make the rules.”

Kylo grumbled, but he paid the bill. He proceeded to walk BACK into the same Starbucks. At this point Snap just sat in the parking space and watched; because this was the weirdest goddamn thing he had ever seen.

Rey had noticed Mr. Ren, too; it was hard not to notice somebody like him. He was gorgeous, and fortunately she thought babbling was charming, when someone else was doing it. When she saw him walk in; she changed places with Dopheld so she was working the register. Dopheld seemed to think the entire situation was uproariously funny, but he agreed this guy was hot as hell and he was totally okay with whatever she needed to jumpstart this thing.

Kylo ordered the same thing again; except this time his hands were visibly shaking. Rey was considering how best to refuse to serve him any more coffee when he put a hand on his chest. That made sense, because by now he’d drunk 16 shots of espresso in 20 minutes and she was pretty sure he was having palpitations. She stepped out from behind the counter and made him sit down, since he was sweating like an anxious racehorse. “Mr. Ren, do you need me to call for an ambulance…or maybe an Ambien, are you quite all right?” 

He laughed WAY too hard at that and for way too long; it looked like he’d finally gone past incoherence into total delirium. On the plus side, this time he noticed her name-tag. “Rey, huh? You make my heart skip a beat.” A smile could be weak and manic at the same time; a previously unknown fact. Under the table his feet were tapping like a snare drum hooked up to a steam engine.

This was turning into a very weird day. Devastatingly handsome with poor decision-making skills, just like she liked them. “I’m going to guess that’s the espresso, Mr. Ren. Do you need us to call someone? Or I can just sit here with you for a minute, so you’re not alone.” 

He nodded frantically at the last suggestion, like clockwork wound too tight. “Neither are you...um, I mean, I’m Kylo, call me Kylo, want to get some coffee?” His eyes wouldn’t stay still.

Hoo boy. That was about enough of that. Rey called an ambulance; when it got there, she clocked out of her shift (she was just about done anyway, Plutt could suck it) and rode to the hospital with Kylo, holding his hand. Well, she tried; his hands were so jittery it was like they were trying to escape from his wrists. 

They spent a while at the ER, where Rey learned that ECGs have a maximum measurable speed (he hadn’t QUITE reached that) and activated charcoal was REALLY gross. The diagnosis basically boiled down to “You did WHAT? Yeah, ok, um, you probably won’t die, don’t be a dumbass.” He was obviously in no shape to go back to work; so Rey walked him the half a block to her apartment (okay speed-walked, with twitching), sat him down at her kitchen table, and made a cup of chamomile tea. Naturally decaffeinated, which was a very good thing right now. He wanted whipped cream (with chamomile, really?); she didn’t have any of that stuff, it’d kill you.

They sat on her ratty old couch waiting for him to calm the fuck down (there was a marathon of black-and-white holiday movies, it turned out as a bonus they both loved classic films). Kylo crashed HARD halfway through It’s a Wonderful Life and promptly fell asleep on her shoulder. Rey had the breakfast shift in the morning; she wriggled out from underneath and threw a blanket over him (he didn’t even open his eyes).

She took a minute to just look at him, taking him in from top to toe (which was visible through a hole in his sock after she’d pulled off his boots). It was an adorable flaw in an otherwise intimidating ensemble, she thought. Christmas did come early some years. Rey shook her head and smiled. There’d plenty of time to unwrap this present later. She found herself humming “Underneath the Tree” as she headed off to bed. Maybe she should rethink the whipped cream.


End file.
